i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
