she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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