No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
