Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
