the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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