Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
