I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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