really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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