if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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