There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
