apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
