Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize