If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
