You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize