When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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