You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
