I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
