i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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