did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
