Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
