I think my fart just growled at me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize