Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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