I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
