I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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