i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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