A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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