woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
