His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
how drunk are you?
Several
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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