Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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