I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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