gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
