i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
false alarm. still invincible.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
