If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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