I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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