idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
