you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
