there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
