Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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