I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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