Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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