"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
