oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
