so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
