I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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