im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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