ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
When did angry sex become our thing?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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