1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
