I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
