i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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