There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It was confusing and full of hummus
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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