Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
