You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
