This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
