So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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