maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
