Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
