You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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